Living Without you
by ilovelucas4lyf
Summary: Troy remembers the time that he had with ryan, and what happened to them...follow on to my oneshot When Your Gone in Troys POV


**A/N: I told you, it could amount to a story, so here you are, i find it kinda crappy but, meh someone out there might like it**

**Disclaimer: I dont own anything sadly, if i did disney would sooo put a lot more Tryan in their movies, maybe HSM3 will put some in it? But no, I dont own anything...except for the story and the idea..wonder if i can copyright that??**

**© my story...lol**

_**to quote Ashel-13 **_

_**On with it!!!**_

I always knew he was the one for me, he was always there for me

the one who always knew what was going on

then he left and everything changed.

Ryan was my one true love the one who kept my life going on but he was gone now.

It all started on that fateful summer day.

Everything had turned out well for me and Gabriella, We had performed in front of everyone and Technically won.

And then i saw him looking sad, dejected that he didn't get to perform, that Sharpay would win yet again even though she didn't perform either.

But i knew Ryan, didn't i?

As i said it all started on that day, the one day Ryan was not meant to be sad me and Sharpay had worked it out Ryan was going to get the star dazzle award

But Ryan didn't know that.

He wasn't meant to feel bad, he wasn't meant to feel rejected yet again.

"Troy" a shrill voice screamed "How dare you perform with Gabriella and not me. How dare you."

"It always comes down to that..doesnt it?"

"Yeah, well why did you do it?"

"Sharpay look, i did what i had to, to save our relationship."

"Yeah and look where it got YOU, siting down all alone waiting for something that will never come!"

"What do you mean it will never come?, I know he's coming hes got to."

"No he's not. He's gone Troy he's gone forever."

"I refuse to believe that Shar."

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME THAT!!!"

"What Shar, you don't want me to call you Shar?"

"Yeah he used to call me that."

"Who Ryan.."

"SHUT UP Troy i don't want to hear that name ever again."

"Well neither do i."

"Yeah wanna bet, if you saw him right now you'd run to him forgiving him for everything hes ever done to me, to us, to everyone."

"He hasn't done anything to anyone."

"Yeah he has he ruined my life."

"What YOUR LIFE HE LEFT TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR LIFE!!"

"YEAH and you...."

Sharpay was wrong he didn't leave to get away from my life, he left to get away from HER....and me

I mean it wasn't her fault completely, I could blame myself a bit but it was mostly all her.

Ok it was mostly my fault, Pretty much all my fault

But i wasn't to know that he would leave I mean Albequerqe wasn't that bad it had it's _downfalls_ yeah, but every town did.

So why, why did he leave?

Why am i all one, why did everyone leave me

i mean really Sharpay couldn't you think of better words you are after all 17.

Yeah i know 17 i mean we're the same age and yet SHE gets to sit there and be all perfect while i get to live here, After being kicked out of home.

At least i get to go to school...HA school what a joke it's not worth it now that Ryan's not there.

To tell you the story of why he's gone and why he's not mine anymore i guess i have to tell you about summer.

The summer of my dreams and hopes crashing down in one swift movement.

All i can blame is me, all i can blame is HER.

_**Gabriella **_

The sweet hearted bitch who broke my heart and left it in pieces for everyone else to pick back up.

She didn't quite understand why me and Ryan were so close after a summer of us not talking, well at least that she could see.

We spent the whole summer hiding, Ryan and me.

And that sweet bitch thought i was cheating on her with Sharpay.

SHARPAY, i mean seriously she's more of a bitch than Gabriella and that's quite a step if you've ever met her you might understand how big a step.

SHARPAY, the love of my love's life and yet still sweet and caring, a side of her that noone almost ever sees. Except me, and Ryan.

That day i guess was one of the worst days of my entire life. Because everything came crashing down and there was nothing no one could do to stop it.

Maybe i've been using the wrong words "that fateful day" it wasnt fateful in any way whatsoever, it was more I don't know Depressing, yeah that's the word Depressing.

Seeing Ryan like that would have broken your heart, well i know it broke mine.

After that Depressing day I wanted to come out and tell the school, but Ryan said NO, Ryan said NO. I couldn't believe it, all summer he'd been asking me, telling me to break it off with Gabriella, stop stringing her along and to tell her the truth, that i was and still am unbelievibly and completely in love with Ryan. I mean how could you not Those baby blue eyes, that pale skin that you just wanted to stroke,that golden hair that you could just look at forever, and the smile the one that just made you melt in your shoes. And the jokes he had for you when you were feeling down.

"Hey Troy" He whispered once in my ear

"Yeah Ry?" I whispered back playfully

"If there are two Chavs in a car and theres no loud music playing what kind of car are they in?"

"Whats a Chav Ry?" I asked willingly

"Never you mind Troy, just answer"

"I dont know Ry, a Mercedes?"

"Haha no Troy no" He laughed

"What, what, what did i say wrong now?"

"Nothing, Dont worry about it"

"Ry you know i always worry when it comes to you, now tell me the answer or prepare to be attacked"

"Uh oh the dreaded hands of DOOOOOOM"

"Yep thats right so if you dont hurry..."

"Ok, ok ill tell you"

"Very well, go on"

"A police car, HAHAHAHAHAHA"

"Yes, cause you know thats sooo funny.."

"Oh shut up" he giggled

Even if they didn't make sense.

But that was so long ago now, Back when HE was still here, back when life was good, back when I was happy...ish

Ryan could make my world go round, he could make me shiver with anticipation

He could make me melt in my shoes just by looking at me. No one else had that kind of power.

And no one ever knew how close we were, except for maybe that sweet bitch Gabriella. Or should i say Bri?

"Troy, Where were you?" she asked hurtfully "I was waiting for you ALL night"

"Sorry Bri i was.....uh asleep?" i hurridly answer "yeah asleep"

"At work Troy" she whispers playfully into my ear "You must be sooo tired c'mon lets get out of here, to somewhere more comfortable"

"And i know just the place" Wait Troy what are you doing, your not going to show her your and Ry's special place are you? You have to get rid of her Ry said he had something planned for tonight. What can't she do with you? "but Bri first how bout we go for a swim"

"WHAT I CANT DO THAT I'LL GET FIRED!!"

"Well what happens if i fall in" Hurry Ry and look out the window and stop this. Send Fulton out or something "You can't save me then?"

I jumped in "Oh no lifeguard, lifeguard help, help i'm drowning" I yell sarcasticly

"Oh no I'll save you" she whispers playfully "Just hang on"

She does almost the most perfect dive known to man and all i can think about is how Ryan would have done it

How Ryan would have done a pirouette befor diving and flipping

All i could think about was him.

I guess everything started that night when Ryan saw us together in the pool, not the night of the talent show, not the baseball game, not even me trying to teach Sharpay golf and the night with his family at dinner, It started at the pool right before Ryan's special suprise

"Come on Troy" a whiny nasaly voice yells "what are you doing in the pool? The Evan's family would like to see you"

"What..but Sir" Bri whined

"No but's young'n what the Evan's want they get it, and right now they want Mr Bolton"

Yes thank-you Sharpay and Ryan i have mentioned how much i love you both right??

"And you Ms Montez what have i said before about frollicking in the pool"

"Yes sir im sorry it won't happen again" Gabriella says eagerly

"Yes well..see that it doesn't as next time you wont just get a warning"

That day i should have guessed something was wrong, That Ryan wasnt being himself yet again, I should have guessed that he was up to something.

"Troy i have to tell you something, meet me in the basement"

The message that was left on my phone was confusing and i should have twigged that something was up

The summer was the start of all my problems for the year.

I guess you could say it was the Start Of Something New.

HA the song that started mine and Gabriellas 'Relationship'

i guess you could say that Ryan sort of started that, by teaching me to sing, by teaching me him..

"_**Living in my own world didn**__**'**__**t understand that anything can happpen when you take a chance......, Cause its the start of something new, I know that something has changed...., It feels so right to be here with you, and now looking in your eyes i feel in my heart the start of something, the start of something...**__"_

Something CRAP.

Something new was mine and Ryans song, It was the song playing when we met in 7th Grade. At the orientation where i first met Sharpay, Taylor, Chad, Zeke, Martha, Jason, Kelsi and above everyone else Ryan

I wasn't one of the 'popular' people to start with, as i hung out with Sharpay, Kelsi, Ryan, and That weird little asian kid who is in love with Darbus.

Ryan was always there for me even in year 7, he was always the one helping me out with my schoolwork and my drama work.

But yet he is almost always last in my lists of people i asked Kelsi about that once

"Well your brain obviously wants to forget about him, as he has not only ruined your life but everyone you ever cared about, INCLUDING ME!!"

At the time i didn't quite understand how i had broken Kelsi's heart, but later on when i heard Bri and Shar singing in the audiotorium i sort of understood why, She had no one to write music for, with Ryan gone Neither Sharpay or myself would sing, Gabriella was willing to sing but she had no one to sing with, Except Chad who would only ever sing with Taylor.

"Ryans eyes are like a jungle he smiles its like the radio.."

"What does troy mean by that Shar..i mean why is he singing about Ryan, does he miss him or something"

"Gabriella JUST LISTEN TO ME SING HIS SONG!..."Sharpay yelled "he whispers songs into my window in words that nobody knows, theres pretty girls on every corner they watch him as hes walking home but, but does he know, does he ever knoww..."

"Sharpay, I don't understand though, i mean since Ryan left Troy's just been like a lifeless little doll who goes to class and does his homework without saying a word, He never sing's anymore, doesn't listen to music, walks away whenever a dance portion comes up in any class, and just wont participate"

"Well i guess..."

"Yeah Sharpay"

"The only person we can blame.."

"YES KEEP GOING"

"IS YOU YOU STUPID CONNIVING BITCH"

"What, what do you mean"

"YOUR THE REASON RYANS GONE, YOUR THE REASON WHY TROY IS ACTING LIKE HE IS, YOU WERE EVERYTHING TO TROY EVERYTHING BESIDES A FRIEND, YOU WERE EVERYTHING HE EVER WOULD HAVE NEEDED WHILE RYAN WAS GONE, BUT NO YOU HAD TO RUIN HIS LIFE, JUST LIKE YOU TRIED TO RUIN RYAN**'**S"

"Sharpay i still don't get it, why is Troy sad that Ryans gone, Why is he buying plane tickets to New York every weekend and then putting them in his pocket only to pack it in a suitcase, why is he..Wait Ryan, i never ruined his life."

"Oh yeah wanna bet, think about it you and Troy together at last, it was all Ryan could do not to cry in in pain, That was why he left, he wanted to let Troy have a life before he..."

"Yes before he....Go on Sharpay"

"NO don't worry i've already said wayyy too much"

"NO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY RYAN LEAVING DESTROYED TROYS LIFE, WHY TROY IS NOT TALKING TO ANYONE HE KNEW BEFORE SUMMER"

"Look Gabi, Troy and Ryan were together during summer the whole three months..."

HA the look on Bri's face when she found that out, the fact i had been cheating on her for three months, that she knew about...

The fact that I had been lying to her for almost a year about my past and current relationships was too much for her to handle.

Ryan wanted to tell her the entire time that i knew her.

Never kissing her until that one night in the rain, only because Ryan wanted me to see what it was like to kiss a girl, to see if he was holding me back,

Gabriella never guessed that i was changing, that i only ever thought of her as a very good friend.

She still thought of me as potential boyfriend material, but then again she had never seen me with Ryan until summer, no one had.

HSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSM

Chad was the first person who found out besides Sharpay, He was also the first person to hold me when he left.

He was always the first person who found out what happened before anyone else.

Chad was the first person who saw me like this

"Dude c'mon hes gone youve got to get over him"

"CHAD he's not gone and no one can ever make me believe that, He will be coming back and there's no one on this earth that can make me sing again so stop trying for Gabriella OK i never want to see that FUCKING BITCH EVER AGAIN OK"

"Dude calm down, i'm not doing this for Gabi i know how much she's hurt you, nothing is ever going to make me forget that, im doing this for you, you dont know how hard it is to see you like this, how hard it is to see your perfect 4.0 drop down, how hard it is towards the team with their star player sitting there every practice with his head in his hands humming softly to yourself"

"CHAD I DON'T CARE WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF ME. I stopped caring before Ry left, didn't you wonder why i was finaly feeling happy? Didn't you wonder why i was singing better than i had before, cause if you hadn't well here's the reason i did, IT WAS ALL HIM, all Ryan.."

I guess everything Chad said was right, maybe i had changed, my brother never spoke to me anymore but i guess that was my fault, swearing at him when he asked me a question

"Soo... Troy you thinkin bout college yet?" He asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice

"Yeah actually, Ed i have."I replied lifeless

"Cool" He retorted back "You figuired out where yet??"

"Yeah"

"Yeah where, the same place where your little friend went, what was his name Masen??" He laughed at me

"Yeah Julliard" I smirked "Ive already been accepted, and HIS FUCKING NAME IS RYAN"

Yeah I was definetly going crazy.

Ryan was the light of my life, i was seriously considering going to Julliard because of him, just to be in the same city as him. _**(**_**A/N i dont know enough about colleges in the USA so for the rest of the story its in New York) **

I mean New York how could you not want to go there, the bright lights of the city, and HIM.

All I could think about these days was seeing him, seeing his pale blue eyes sparkle when he sees me, seeing his face light up once more when he sees that i still love him, watch him dance over to me and sing for his life when he realises that my life is incomplete without him.

But i know that will never happen, Ryan and me, just cant happen.

And none of it is my fault...

Of course, i say that with just a hint of a sarcasm, I know its my fault, but hey, at least its not ONLY my fault

"TROY, IEIEIE, Your okay, ahh, Ryan here was worried when you didnt show up earlier" She paused to collect her thoughts and take a breath "I mean, when I saw you in the pool, i can tell you i was distressed, and i thought you were drowning, so i called Fulton out there, and then i saw Gabriella and had to laugh at your ingenuity."

"Yeah Troy, great idea.." Ryan said dejectedly

"Yeah, making her go in the pool, in no time she'll be fired or she'll leave and you and Ry can finally come out."

"Yeah... i guess" I whispered

"Isnt that what you wanted...? Oh well, Ry, show Troy that song you wrote"

"Ok, but Shar, i don't think its time.."

"C'mon, just show him.."

"I'll just give him the title, ok"

"Yeah whatever that'll do"

"Humuhumunukunukua'pu'a'a" He said giggling

"WHAT THE..!" i laughed "Ry..ur kidding me, isnt that a fish?"

"Yep,it is..Look Troy i don't wanna perform that one at the talent show, i want to write a new one, one abut us, that everytime you hear it you think of me"

"So what Ryan, you wish to perform everytime we touch..."

"HA, no Shar, youve seen me at the piano at home right, and in the music room with Kelsi..."

"Ry..what are you planning now, I mean if its anything like when you dyed Darbuss hair Black..."

"No, Troy its not that, its something sweet, something like..."

"Like the song Kelsi wrote for us...."

Kelsi was one of the few people that knew about our relationship, one of the few people we could trust, she was there when we met, she was there when we became closer than anyone ever expected, she was there when everything fell apart..

But of course she wasnt there for everything, she wasnt there for the fights, she wasnt there for the sweet stolen moments in between classes, she wasnt there when everything started to go wrong.

But she was there when we needed her, which i guess you could say was the most important thing.

But she wasnt the only one who knew, Chad and Sharpay knew, they were some of the first people to find out about us!

But there were others, Taylor found out, only because Chad knew, Zeke knew, but then again only because of Sharpay, and Chucky knew.....

Chuck and I were really close, he was one of the only people in my life who really got me, one of the only people who understood as soon as i told him, unlike my father, who immmediately freaked out and didnt talk to me for a _**LONG**_ time...eventually he calmed down and started to talk to me again, i guess it was the fact that he finally saw me happy again, and it sort of made sense to him as to why i was spending a lot more time with Ryan.

No one could have predicted chads reaction however, you could never have picked the way he found out either.

The look on his face when he saw me and Ry in the theatre alone without even Sharpay, kinda tipped him off that we were closer than he thought, i think he really found out when i skipped a practice session with the team when he and Zeke turned up at my house and discovered Ry and me on the couch watching Princess bride with our arms around eachother with me half asleep on Ryans chest...the screams of delight and horror when they saw us was rather amusing

Zeke was fine with it from the start, Shar told him as soon as she knew, and he thought it was a cruel joke, but then he caught us in the theatre, "Practicing" a scene...

But i guess as far as he knew the play had no kissing in it, well at least between two guys..

After that we had to tell him the truth, not because we were frightened he would tell everyone, but because we were frightened he would tell Chad.

Chad was really the only person i was looking for approval from, the only person i wanted to know was fine with us..I thought that everything between us would change, but i was wrong..soo wrong

"T..T..T..Troy, what...Ryan....Troy....Ryan....Troy..Ryan....." Chad had this look of confusion on his face..this look of realisation dawned on him, that he finally realised about Ry and me..."I dont understand..I..I.I...."

"Chad, hey Bud, look im guessing you knew about them before this, but you didnt want to know, now its staring you in the face, you cant deny it anymore!" I think this was the moment that Jason decided that he would come out of the kitchen..."

Zeke, of course looked like a stunned mullet, looking from us to Chad, us to Chad, trying to see what his reaction was...but i dont think anyone could have gauged how he could have taken this...

it took him a few minutes to understand what we had said, and for him to comprehend everything we had said

"Troy, bud, look you know you and i have been like brothers since pre-school, but tell me now, did you EVER, EVER look at my ass..?"

"Ewww. Chad, that would be sooo gross, seriously...eww" said Ryan half asleep but still completely disgusted

"Ha..i think that answers your question Chad...i have never ever looked at your ass, the only persons ass that i find even remotely interesting besides Rys is of course..." I started

"Definetly Darbus..." Zeke piped in, he was definetly becoming a little more confident now he was dating Sharpay

"HA!!..." Jason let out...

"HA! is right Jason.....ewww Darbus...seriously eww" Zeke said

"Than why did you say it?" i asked Zeke

"Uh...because....uhh"

"Well...?"

"Who we talking about again??" Zeke said while trying to cover up

That was one of the best times of my life, my best friend found out i was gay, and all he wanted to know was had i looked at his ass.

He was one of my favorite people during summer, he covered up for me soo much, he even staged a fake fight with me just so i could run to Ryan when he fell of the stage...

When i was promoted he felt a bit upset, as he thought that it was favortism.

It was, i had asked ryan to give me some privelages so that if i was caught in the pool after dark..with him....with no swimmers... no one would yell at me to get out (which had happened before).

You may wonder why i writing this, well to tell you the truth, i dont know, i just wanted to show people my feelings, show people what happened this summer, show people why im a broken shell of what i was before, show people the REAL Troy Bolton.

The real Troy bolton who knew what the difference between a Tony Award and Tony Hawk was, the real Troy bolton who knew who Queen Latifa was, and who knew the difference between honey blond and bleach blond hair

I guess to start with the story, im going to have to show you the Real me, the Troy that no one else ever saw...except for him...

To start with the story i guess im going to have to start at the beginning..Where it all started..7th grade orientation.

**A/N: yep again 2 notes one chapter...this is happening rather often, feel privelidged..lol, ok rest review and chillax, lol click the nice little Greeny button, and send me some constructive critisism, you can even leave flames, really don****'****t care**

**btw: Chucky is based off Charles (Chucky) Klapow, so i dont own him either, sadly i am slightly obsessed with this guy, so of course he features in all my HSM fics, and possibly some of my other ones **

**anywhoo....love you all**


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